postpartum

Cosmos Tree / March 1, 2019

Postpartum. This word has haunted me ever since I birthed my first child. As much as I’ve wanted to welcome another Soul into this world and our family since my dear son I’ve been scared of the aftermath of birth. I was not afraid of losing pregnancy weight or staying indoors for long stints with foggy baby brain or even sleepless nights but my terror was of the emotional ups and downs that I experienced after my son was born. I remember not being able to see the world as I normally do and things seemed overwhelming. It was like the world was constantly coming at me, a video game of attacking “to dos” that pop up from around every corner of domestic life and needing to be shot with instant reflexes of nursing, laundry, diaper-changing, cooking, cleaning, not showering, wearing hospital panties and much more on repeat. I recall sobbing tears for no apparent reason and then being furiously angry at the people that I loved most dearly. That was the most frightful part for me; I was as furious as a ball of fire.

Now I am three weeks postpartum with my second child, a beloved and beautiful daughter. And, yep, I have had most all the symptoms I short-listed above. And, true to my fear, the rage has been the hardest aspect for my family to digest and, sadly, for me to cease.It is not my normal personality and certainly not my intent but when my body is a furnace of hormones the words, “Can you please empty the diaper pail?” have such a seething tone that I sound like I’m about to detonate.Yet, there is something different this time and that’s why I write. There is a glimmer of hope that has sprung up like a spring within me. I’m allowing myself to be Loved more this time and I notice that I’m recovering quicker because of it. By this I mean, I’m more open-hearted and patient. I let myself be hugged and helped by my family but, most powerfully, I allowed this phenomenal, incredible Love that is my Meditation Teacher.

I’ve had the great Blessing of Dr. Roger B. Lane being my Meditation Teacher for a decade now and with That has come Transformational and life-changing Learning. This Learning continues to Lift me to new places within mySelf. For instance, I’m experiencing Peace regardless of the outer situations and positivity; i.e., focusing on what I’m thankful for, has become a real and actual Choice for me. I may not always Choose it; sometimes I am lazy and want to be in the murk and mire of emotional drama, but I have the ability at each moment to let it go and be different. That’s what I wanted to employ postpartum this time.

And the question in my heart that irked me and made me afraid if I could handle postpartum again with a second child was, “Am I capable of Choosing into using what I’ve Learned and be Neutral even when my body is a chemical factory and my hormones are blazing trails into every alleyway of my emotional well-being? Can I employ Choice in these fire and brimstone moments? When I’m a real live Medusa?” This is the nut of which I was afraid.

Now three weeks have passed since our angel girl came into the world. I have been a straight-up nutter some of the time, I’m not going to lie. However, something purely magical happened amid the ordinary yesterday that changed the course of this pattern for me. My Beloved Meditation Teacher called me on the phone. Dr. Lane simply called because of noticing that I was having trouble understanding a project we were working on together. Dr. Lane asked if I was okay and I explained to my Teacher a little about the anger and rage I was experiencing and expressing. And here’s what happened: Dr. Lane simply said, “That is quite normal considering you just gave birth. It takes a little while for the hormones to subside. I’d let you know if you had a real problem.”

And with that poof! something huge was Lifted off of me. I could see straight and understood that this is a temporary state and I was moved into Acceptance. I felt compassion for mySelf and my family. Instead of judging mySelf as harshly as a snake witch I was able to see objectively that this is quite run-of-the-mill after giving birth to a baby and, all of a sudden, I was flooded with solutions to all of the “problems” I was experiencing. What really happened, sum total, is that Dr. Lane gave me an incredible Gift by Lifting from me, in that conversation, all the judgments I’ve had against mySelf. My Meditaiton Teacher is a Spiritual Master and is Graced with the incredible Power of Clearing karma for a Soul. And I gave mySelf the Gift of Allowing mySelf to be Loved by my Teacher.

L.O.V.E., as defined by Dr. Lane’s Teachings, is Letting go Of Volition Every time. Meaning, I surrendered my judgments on mySelf and Allowed the Spiritual Action of my Meditation Teacher calling me to wash over me. I let the Love in by Letting Go. And I was moved into a very different place. One of self- compassion. Hey, yep, the hours are long in the beginning while the body is recovering, the whole family is turned upside down with the addition of another precious child but it stabilizes; we can get some more help (for example, order dinner) and I’ll be back to me soon. How simple and objective these solutions are! It is because my sightlines were raised by my Letting Go and Allowing My Teacher’s clearing of my karma that I could actually see clearly. And it wasn’t just sight that was renewed. I had more energy; felt Peaceful; knew instantly how to renew myself physically and was also moved into a place of deep thankfulness for what I’ve received.

Two of life’s most precious Gifts: One, my children. Thank you; thank you, God. And the other is my Teacher and being His Child. Thank you; thank you, God.